Call for Superuseless Superpowers!

Dear superuseless fans: we’ve seen your brilliance. In the breakroom…in the bathroom…and yes, even the chat room. And now the time has come. We’re creating a monthly post that will feature the best fan-submitted superuseless superpower. What are you waiting for?! Engage your powers of creative cunning…and help us save the world from boredom!

Submit powers in the comments section,by email, or here, in the fan forum. Winners will have their submission illustrated by the superuseless team. 

There may be some overlap in power submissions. We will act on a first-come first-serve basis. We bear no responsibility for hurt feelings.

Lati-dude & Longi-dude

SUPERUSELESS SUPERPOWER: Lati-dude & Longi-dude.
Ever wish you could conjure up a duplicate of yourself? This power is exactly that. Only your doppeluseless appears at the opposite point of the earth. Bad if you need backup in a dark alley…great if you’re organizing the American comeback tour for “Men at Work.”

∞-Ray Vision

SUPERUSELESS SUPERPOWER: ∞-ray vision.
Go from 20/20 to 20/plenty with this seemingly amazing gift of sight. But here's the catch. Your see-throughiness is infinite and not at your discretion.

So, perhaps you are seeking out survivors in a collapsed mineshaft. Scanning through the wreckage with your ∞-ray eyes, you see through the rock pile. Then through the coal. The trapped miner's clothes. His skin. His capillaries. His kidney. His bones. Back through his skin. Dirt. The upper mantle. Magma. The lower mantle. The outer core. The inner core. Again the outer core. The lower and upper mantles. Fossilized raptor dung. More dirt. A rice paddy in Miryang. A cumulus cloud. The Ozone layer. The Stratosphere. The Exosphere. Outer Space. A meteorite. The Orion Nebula. The Twin Quasar. Et cetera.

In short, by seeing through everything you will essentially never see anything.

Slumberjack (a.k.a. Hercu-zzzzzz's)

SUPERUSELESS SUPERPOWER: Superhuman strength whilst sleeping. 

After awaking from an especially violent dream, the "Slumberjack" finds his bedroom, house and entire zipcode in utter shambles. At least it's a good excuse to forgo post-coital snuggling.

Complementary Chameleon

SUPERUSELESS SUPERPOWER: Complementary Chameleon
The superuseless chameleon assumes the complementary color of his surroundings, thereby rendering him highly un-hard to see. This superpower was inspiration for the failed children’s book franchise titled “There’s Waldo.”

Psychic Amnesia (Mementodamus)

SUPERUSELESS SUPERPOWER: Psychic Amnesia (Mementodamus)

This superuseless superhero foresees the future while instantly forgetting anything he has just foreseen. Known in some circles as Untotal Recall.

Achieving 99% Opacity

SUPERUSELESS SUPERPOWER: Achieving 99% opacity, a.k.a. The Slightly Invisible Man.
This throwaway power lets you vanish into thin air as long as that thin air is obscured by enough thick air to cover up the other 99% of your completely visible body. Sorry, no dice on landing that plum invisibility role in the sequel to Ghost Dad either.

Ultra Short-range Teleportation

SUPERUSELESS SUPERPOWER: Ultra Short-Range Teleportation.
This unamazing power lets you teleport up to one inch away. When done in rapid succession, it gives that old-timey stop action feel. It can also really push your "popping & locking" routine to the next level.

Left-side Levitation

SUPERUSELESS SUPERPOWER: Left-side levitation or "Left-itation".
With this amazingly useless power, only half of you can levitate. Which means the other half acts as an anchor. As an added un-bonus, cabs are constantly stopping for you whenever you engage your powers on the street. And as we all know, being yelled at by angry cabbies eventually leads to depression. And emo.

Turning into a brick wall. Forever.

SUPERUSELESS SUPERPOWER: Turning into a brick wall. Forever
The power to transform into a brick wall is truly awesome. Except when you can only do it once and can’t ever change back. And while Larry’s powers did momentarily save his village from the barbarians...they came back later with a ladder.

Lukewarm Touch

SUPERUSELESS SUPERPOWER: Lukewarm Touch.

An estranged 3rd cousin of the Midas Touch, the Lukewarm Touch allows its hero to touch any temperature liquid and turn it to room temperature. Perhaps somewhat useful if captured by cannabalistic pygmies.

Helium Resistance

SUPERUSELESS SUPERPOWER: Resistance to helium.
Legend has it that there walks a man with uncanny abilities. After a tragic blimp accident, this man has developed an immunity to Helium. As this man courageously inhales Helium, there is no effect on the timbre of his voice.