Dear superuseless fans: we’ve seen your brilliance. In the breakroom…in the bathroom…and yes, even the chat room. And now the time has come. We’re creating a monthly post that will feature the best fan-submitted superuseless superpower. What are you waiting for?! Engage your powers of creative cunning…and help us save the world from boredom!
Submit powers in the comments section,by email, or here, in the fan forum. Winners will have their submission illustrated by the superuseless team.
There may be some overlap in power submissions. We will act on a first-come first-serve basis. We bear no responsibility for hurt feelings.
A power that can gather all nearby Superuseless Superheroes around.
ReplyDeleteThe name is:
"Call for Superuseless Superpowers" :)
A few come to mind:
ReplyDelete*Instantly transform anything into its value in pennies - That soda worth 50 cents? Bam, now it's a stack of 50 pennies. That car worth $15,000? Bam, now it's a multi-ton pile of 1.5 million pennies.
*Super blinking speed - i.e. super speed that's only applied to your eyelids. No one will ever see you blink! Maybe-kinda useful for intimidating or creeping people out...
*True intangibility - kinda useless in that you'd fall through the planet and oscillate up and down past the core until you settle at the very center of the earth...phasing back to tangibility would be suicide, as you'd be instantly killed, assuming you hadn't died already of asphyxiation because your intangible lungs could not get any air.
*Instant look-alike sex change - Change instantly into the opposite sex!...except, aside from your genitalia, you'd look exactly the same.
Firetard (fire retardant) - not quite fire-proof; you can survive fires at the cost of horrific scars, the loss of material possessions, and the deaths of your family.
ReplyDeleteN-ice (drink chilling) - ability to chill drinks to slightly below room temperature. Excellent for small parties; tedious for big ones!
Visually-incapturable - cannot be captured on film, pictures or other visual media; almost invisible. You can still be captured and tortured to death.
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ReplyDeleteAbility to run 7 minute mile.
ReplyDeleteNight vision that only works during daylight hours.
Ability to breathe indefinitely underwater while making you completely buoyant (basically, you could snorkel forever)
ability to read minds -- BUT ONLY THE BORING THOUGHTS like "i have to do laundry."
ReplyDeletenot-so-timely travel:
ReplyDeleteWith this power the user can fast forward through time at almost 1/10 times the regular speed.
While this would technically make everyone else faster than you, you in turn get to live moments longer than you would have!
Super Strong Man - but not with super strong skeleton, super strong tendons, super strong joints...
ReplyDeleteGravitron - generate a tiny black hole - in your chest.
Negative Buoyancy Man
Medieval Man - most highly skilled Medieval serf in modern times.
Detect Self - you can identify yourself with perfect accuracy.
ReplyDeleteIllusion Generation - you can create illusionary duplicates of yourself, all cenetered on a fixed location; you.
Force Field - one-way field, centered on yourself, only effective against O2 oxygen molecules.
Invisibility - works only on your retinas, causing all light to pass through them (think about that)
Death Beam - travels in a longitudinal wave, two feet backwards for every one foot forward (thing about that)
The ability to open an envelope without ripping the paper. The envelope will not be able to be sealed again, you just get top open the gummed flap without tearing anything.
ReplyDeleteThe ability to dialate your pupils but only when it is sunny.
Superhearing that is so sensitive that it makes everything unintelligibly loud.
Ability to change memories of dead people - yes, it is. You can change de memories of the past and all personality of people that is dead.
ReplyDeleteThat penny-transformation power's actually pretty nice. Any semi-precious jewel or small collectible turns into a deadly projectile, especially when dropped.
ReplyDeleteBackflap - The ability to force birds to fly backwards.
ReplyDeleteCompel any dog to shake hands, regardless of training.
ReplyDeleteInstantly identify an unknown object as animal, vegetable, or mineral.
Beat any probability by one percent.
Find the perfect snappy comeback within 60 seconds.
Polish any surface to the point you can see your reflection. Even wool.
Conceal large quantities of any food item on your person.
Sustain any injury, no matter how painful or fatal, without showing visible signs of it.
Accelerate the growth of fungi to twice the normal rate.
Temporarily improve the eyesight of sports officials.
Remove adhesive labels intact, without residue or damage to the surface.
*Bonebreaker.
ReplyDeleteThe ability to be hurt by mean words directed at you.
*Purple Nurple
The ability to change the color of your nipples.
*C02x2
The ability to breathe in twice as much air as normal, but only when in a small, cramped space.
*??????
The ability to make any person suddenly hear the audio from the movie "To Kill A Mockinbird".
Here are some ideas...
ReplyDeleteSlightly Boring Conversation - your conversation is boring enough to make the villain yawn...but not to dissuade him from doing any harm.
The power to instantly stop hiccups.
The power to make anyone's breath smell better (or, I guess if you're a villain, make it smell worse).
Magnetic colon
ReplyDeleteMamavision:
ReplyDeleteAlways see your mother somewhere in your field of vision. Impossible to turn off. Always ruins the mood during sex.
Guidevision:
The ability to see what is going to come next on a certain channel, but only when looking at the TV guide.
Permanent Melting:
The ability to melt into water. Unfortunately, you can't solidify again.
Button Destruction:
Turn any button you press into a self destruct button. Nothing but the button gets destroyed.
Super sensitive teeth.
ReplyDeleteYour oatmeal is either scalding hot or frigid cold. Biting into a cookie feels like your biting into asphalt. Sandwhich? Out of the question.
1) Limited underwater breathing: can only breather underwater for up to 10 seconds
ReplyDelete2) Movie's End guessing: can guess the end of every movie just by watching the first 30 seconds (Bruce Willis IS a ghost, Darth Vader IS Luke's father...)
Stopping time. affects yourself too
ReplyDeleteSelf-telepathy: allows to read one's own thoughts
ReplyDeleteretard boy - can make himself retarded
ReplyDeleteThe Carbonator - with the ability to carbonate any liquid he touches.
ReplyDeletePingas Power
ReplyDeleteThe ability to use your Pingas at anytime, simply by saying the phrase "Snooping as usual I see"
Instant Typewriter Repair - Instantly repair any typewriter with just a touch of your hand.
ReplyDeleteAnagraMan - The ability to come up with every anagram to every word - if that word has three letters or less.
InverTurtle - The ability to turn yourself into a turtle without its shell.
I'd like to see a super-speedster whose only power is super-speed, but without the extras such as super reflexes, stamina, etc. Basically, he can run at 100 mph, but he still gets tired after that first mile, and he's likely to crash into something because he can't react fast enough to get out of its way, and he'll probably be blinded from the windspeeds, etc.
ReplyDeletedéjà vu-man: everything you do feels like you already did it causing extreme confusion and paranoia
ReplyDeleteThe ability to levitate birds.
ReplyDeleteThe ability to shapeshift into a hotdog
The ability to know 1, and only one, losing lottery combination per draw
Superhearing only at heavy metal concerts
The ability to teleport to the moon, one-way
The slow motion power! The hero can suddenly star moving in slow motion while the rest of the world continues at normal speed!!!
ReplyDeletenon-existance: Kinda like invisibility, but more hardcore. People who posess this power can totally cease to exist. Meaning not only can they not be seen, they also cannot be touched, heard, smelt or..er... tasted.
ReplyDeleteUnfortunately it also means they themselves can't sense anything either, or think about anything. Or even decide to exist again.
PS: Dan's 'AnagraMan', from above, would be better named 'Agraman' I feel...
*Attackne
ReplyDeleteThe ability to make anyone you touch break out into a bad case of acne.
*Amnamesia
The ability to forget one's own name.
*Labelity
The ability to analyze the contents of any food the possessor sees.
Fate Traveler can travel through time, but because every event in the universe is fated and predetermined, he's unable to change anything.
ReplyDeleteThe ability to read ANY captcha no matter how jumbled the words are. :)
ReplyDeleteMe and my friends actually had this discussion (unfortunately you've already kind of done this superuseless superhero with the guy who turns into a wall).
ReplyDeleteHe is...
KIWI MAN!
His superpower consists of being able to transform into a kiwi fruit ONCE and never back again.
The ability to teleport, but when you do so, it makes you as tired as though you'd sprinted the distance that you teleported.
ReplyDeleteHow about 1/2 invisibility man.
ReplyDeleteTurns 100% invisible...thru the view of everyone elses left eye.
Superhuman abilities powered by sunlight but sadly suffering from instantly fatal polymorphic light eruption.
ReplyDeleteAbility to speak any language known to man but only at so high a pitch as to be inaudable.
Firespark - can instantly set own body on fire, likely to be one use only.
Falco wrote: "Ability to speak any language known to man but only at so high a pitch as to be inaudable."
ReplyDeleteHow about the ability to speak in any language, but the inability to understand any language, so you cannot even understand what you're saying yourself.
Super imagination!
ReplyDeleteYour imagination can help you (mentally) escape from any bad situation. Shame your body can't do the same.
Superhuman Double-Clicking Speed - has the ability to double-click faster than any other human.
ReplyDeletePremonition, but seeing what's going to happen in about 3 seconds
ReplyDeleteVisually-incapturable - cannot be captured on film, pictures or other visual media; almost invisible. You can still be captured and tortured to death.
ReplyDeleteSadly, Mr Terrific in DC's Justice Society of America already has that power. And so did the X-Men for awhile, after they went through the Siege Perilous at the end of the Fall of the Mutants storyline.
The ability to not drown in six inches of water. Any more than that, and you're toast. Soggy toast.
ReplyDeleteThe ability to fold any piece of paper precisely in half, down to the molecular level.
Immunity to tofu attacks.
The ability to analyze the molecular composition of water just by looking at it.
The ability to make people get the taste of bologna.
The ability to freeze water at the rate of about 25 cc's per hour
I have always liked the idea of having powers like: Best Dishwasher in the History of the World. The Power to wash dishes faster and more efficiently than anyone has ever known. Or Sweep Floors. How would anyone know they had this power? You might have it right now and not know.
ReplyDeleteAlso, what if you had the power of human insect repellent? You would never get a bug bite, would you know you had the power? And how do beings who have power of flight, or bulletproof skin find out? Wouldn't testing for that be pretty fatal? Or could you lift one foot and then if you could lift to other foot without falling down, you know you can fly.
The ability to summon all the animals in a given vicinity. You can't control them once they're there, just summon them.
ReplyDeleteAuto-man: You can turn into a race car at will but you are allergic to any kind of fuel
ReplyDeleteThe Dark Night: He can transform into any solar powered machine, but only at night.
ReplyDelete*Eavesdrop: Can overhear any conversation on Earth, but unable to hear people speaking at normal levels in the same room.
ReplyDelete*Determine angles: Can instantly determine the degrees of angles of any object, and calculate sines, cosines and tangents. Great for architects, sucks when fighting villains.
*Timid invisibility: Can turn invisible, but only when no else is around.
*Sudden, short levitation: Can propel oneself a foot off the ground, but only for 1/10th of a second.
*Perfect grammar: Never misspells or uses the wrong part of speech. Arch-nemeses are the Dangling Modifier Man and Split Infinitive Boy.
*Pen ownership: Can determine the previous owner of any pen or writing instrument.
*Bottlecap Power: Can twist off any pop-top bottle of beer, water, or soda without the aid of a bottle opener.
*Tire filing: Can refill any flat tire simply with the power of his or her mind. Can't repair the tire, just fill the space with air.
Commercial Guide: Knows what commercials are playing at any time on any channel on earth. Can't say what shows are playing.
*Gluten girl. Impervious to any gluten product.
*Super shearer. Can shear any sheep, chinchilla or llama in a split-second. Allergic to wool.
Foxthepoet wrote: "Timid invisibility: Can turn invisible, but only when no else is around."
ReplyDeleteThat's Invisible Boy from the Mystery Men.
"Perfect grammar: Never misspells or uses the wrong part of speech"
Data from Star Trek the Next Generation. ;-)
Still, a fantastic list!
Not so easy Money
ReplyDeleteAble to see through playing cards and tell what is on the other side but only when playing dice games.
Dead animals mind reading:
ReplyDeleteAbility to communicate with Dead animals.
"i'm reading the mind of a dead Hedghog on a road... he says "aououtch "
Auto telepathy:
Abilty to read his own thoughts
"I seeeeeeeeeeeeeee, humm : I think ... I am a fatty"
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ReplyDeleteThe Silent Siren:
ReplyDeleteA sonic screamer that is silent when they open their mouth to scream.
One way traveller in time: The power allows you to travel in time but only in one way, you must travel to the past every time or to the future
ReplyDeleteBarman skill: You can know exactly how much drink remains in a container. The result it's expressed in glasses. "It's remain 3 1/4 glasses of water"
ReplyDeletethe power to make bears less vunurable to fire.
ReplyDeletethe power to make the earths crust melt instantly. not good for you.... not good for the world.
the power to damage someones ability to here unhearable things. "did you here that bug land on the flower?" "nope"
the abbility to gain other super usless abilitys.
the power to eat food at a 2% faster rate.
sorry if theres repetes.... and bout the spelling
the power to create other uneverses at randome without you knowing it.
ReplyDeletethe power to sprout hair out of your spleen.
the power to kill dead people
the power to create pie charts about the economy of guatemala instantly.
the power to make relly good cookies
the power to be able to bring the lazeyist guy from the 1800s back to life.
Invisibility. But not in the normal way. Once you apply your powers, everything else turns invisible! It's just you with... you, basically. Though you might bump into everything.
ReplyDeleteYears ago I had an idea about a superhero who could pick up bread crumbs from a table at an incredible speed. Nothing else, just bread crumbs.
ReplyDeleteOne of my friends is convinced one of the greatest superpowers to have would be the ability to turn any liquid into milk.
ReplyDeleteGood for when you're, say, eating a brownie and only have water. But then if you're eating a pizza... well, wouldn't you beer?
the ability to turn any liquid into milk
ReplyDeleteMy kids love milk, that'd be a totally useful power to have around the house. How about the ability turn any liquid into spoiled milk?
"But then if you're eating a pizza... well, wouldn't you beer?"
For most people, the ability to turn any liquid into beer would be very useful.
How about the ability to turn any liquid into alcohol, but only at AA meetings.
The power to lower your body temperature by 1 degree.
ReplyDeletePancake Man - Is capable of creating the most perfect tasty pancakes. Not so useful when fighting villains perhaps, but I'm hungry.
ReplyDeleteVegan man. Can turn any meat dish into a vegan dish.
ReplyDeleteRaw food man. Can uncook any food.
Waterproof skin: the skin turns waterproof, no liquids can touch it...forever. Say goodbay to the showers
ReplyDeleteImmortality every Thursday.
ReplyDeleteActually, immortality every thursday could be very useful.
ReplyDelete...unless the villians know about this and plans their evil schemes accordingly...
The ability to speak (and understand) all languages except the one of the person talking to you.
ReplyDeleteScratch and sniff.
ReplyDeleteInnate ability to ride horses perfectly, but only indoors.
ReplyDeleteGullible magician who believes his own tricks.
Nipple shields.
The ability to walk into walls.
Wet blanket of invulnerability.
Teletaste
ReplyDeleteThe ability to taste what others taste. Must be careful which red-light districts you walk through.
Super sphincter strength
You have super strength but only in your sphincter muscles.
Hair Shifting
You are able to shift hair from any part of your body to any other part. Worse if it happens uncontrollably.
Vacuum levitation
You can levitate, but only in a total vacuum.
Trend precognition
Ability to know exactly what will be trendy 200 years before it happens.
Super strength + osteoporosis
You can lift or punch with many times human strength, but will shatter your own bones if you try.
Flutterby - A superhuman with the ability to call any nearby butterflies to his aid in combat.
ReplyDeleteNutrigain - A superhuman with the ability to derive the equivalent nutritional value from plastic foods.
More to come.
The ability to know when Keaneu Reeves is within a 1 mile radius.
ReplyDeleteNegligible Precognition: The ability to predict the future of people who you have no way of contacting, and whose lives have no impact on your own.
ReplyDeleteReverse Tele-kenesis: The ability to have your mind moved by inanimate objects.
Sarah's idea about reading boring thoughts should be called "tel-aathy."
Mr. Sensitive
ReplyDeleteFeels the pain of everybody within a 100' radius. Can't do anything about the pain, just feels it. Clearly not a candidte to work in a hospital.
Miss Happyface
Feels (and shares) any orgasms within 100' radius. Makes driving past motels and summer camps quite dangerous.
Mario posted: "Raw food man. Can uncook any food."
ReplyDeleteOk, this race is done. We've found our winner!
*Joyless
ReplyDeleteThe ability to not have fun with anything.
Broccolaser. Our superhero can, from the tip of his finger, emit a powerful laser beam that slices through broccoli and nothing else.
ReplyDeleteCaptain attraction:
ReplyDeleteWomen are really attracted to him until they take their clothes off.
Can fly but only backward.
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ReplyDelete"Instant Replay"
ReplyDeleteSUPERUSELESS SUPERPOWER: Time-travel Amnesia
The ability to travel back in time to fix any mistakes you may have made. The catch? When you arrive back in time, you don't remember what it is that went wrong. This way, you can keep telling your girlfriend over and over again that, "yes," that dress does make her look fat.
Mono-Octo-Arms
ReplyDeleteYou have 8 arms, but can only use one at any time.
Hard-Cover Book Binding butt
The persons butt can be used to bind hardcover books. You need to have all the materials, it just serves as the medium that puts it all together.
Insta-value-forehead
A screen on the persons forehead that immediately determines the value of the person that they are staring at, can vary by personal feeling up to the very moment.
Fire Alarm Jaw
person has the ability to clear an entire building as their throat acts as a massive alarm and their body transmits signals that sets off the closest fire alarm. only problem is, any time the person opens their jaw enough, even when talking, it goes off and can only be closed/reset by the fire department.
The power to give people nosebleeds at will, but only if they're someone you truly care about.
ReplyDeleteThe power to turn real flowers into plastic flowers.
The power to speak german, only while in argentina.
The power to have situationally appropriate music play from your armpits
"Flu24" The ability to experience and cold or flu in either a 24th of the time or stretch it out 24 times its usual duration.
ReplyDeleteIf catching a, a 24 hour Stomach Flu, the hero would be able to either experience ALL of the symptoms over the course of one hour or stretch it out for nearly a full month. When getting a cold that normally lasts a week, "Flu24" would allow the hero to knock the cold out in 7 hours (after using a weeks worth of tissues) or stretch out those symptoms for 24 weeks (6 months). Choose wisely.
this isn't going to win your contest, but it is my REAL superuseless superpower. i have an immunity! unfortunately that immunity is to... pot. yes, weed does absolutely nothing to me. it's... such a great power.
ReplyDeleteLeveetation.
ReplyDeleteYou can rip any object off the ground and make it rise high into the air, provided that said object is the only thing preventing an overflowing river from destroying neighboring cities.
Clairirrelevance: the ability to sense anything that is completely irrelevant to what you need right now.
ReplyDeleteThe man who whispered to erudite animals: the ability of speaking to animals, in a death animal language.
ReplyDeleteCould be mammoth-ish, dinosaur-ish, or something like that. You can ask animals for help, and they will know you're talking "animal"; just they don't understand. They almost understand you.
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ReplyDeleteretractable claws (like wolverine) but no ability to heal at super speed .. expect a lot of pain
ReplyDeletethe ability to understand dead languages (those that no one else in the world knows)
the ability to read the minds of people playing single player games
the ability to read the minds of adolescents playing halo games
the ability to log into facebook with your mind
Facebook Questionnaire-voyance:
ReplyDeleteYou are like Stephen Kings "The Dead Zone" protagonist. Except upon physical contact with someone or their belongings, rather than see how they will/did die, you have the power of all those stupid MySpace or Facebook quizzes combined! You have the psychic ability to see what kind of a truck they would be (if they were a truck), which Disney character they would be, what their mafia nickname would be, etc. In desperation, police would seek your assistance in a vexing homicide case, and discover that if the killer were a carnival snack, he'd be cotton candy. Which would be further vexing, because the killer is not, in fact, a carnival snack.
hmmm how about the abil;ity to turn anything into snot...NOW THATS USELESS!
ReplyDeleteX-ray Beer Goggles:
ReplyDeleteYour vision can penetrate layers of matter opaque to visible light, but only when you are too drunk to do anything about it, or even speak sensibly. "HEEEY, that bomb on the guy hash a PLANE!" *puke* *thhtppt*
Your bones are invulnerable to sticks and stones. Hardly matters. A name is lethal.
ReplyDeleteYou: "HaHA! Your baseball bat merely tickles my scalp. I laugh."
Bad guy: "But you're still a rat-faced wanker!"
You die.
1) Bullet Sized Bulletproof Skin- his entire skin is slightly resistant toward minor damage such as paper cuts, but he is also able to compress that overall resistance into a tiny, bullet sized spot anywhere on his skin that is able to stop a bullet dead in it's tracks. Hopefully his attacker asks him where he wants it.
ReplyDelete2) Precise Punching- He's able to calculate the exact location where his fists will end up to the point of being able to hit a fly in the air. This guy's pretty weak though, the flies usually survive.
3) Leaping Legend- This guy can jump incredibly high, but he has to have both feet fully planted on the ground for it to work, so he can't really go in any direction with his leaps. And he can't afford any protective gear, so he doesn't like to use this power unless there are mattresses to land on.
4) The Concealing Cheek- A large Indian who was born with the ability to hide any small object in his cheek or lips with no visible bulge. He was sent to a mental institute years ago, and would be able to hide his pills in his mouth without taking them. But he realizes these people are here to help him, so he willingly takes the medication anyway.
How about - Label Man: everything he touches acquires a label stating what the thing obviously is anyway. Touch a lamp post, and a label saying "lamp post" appears on the lamp post. Touch a door handle, and the door handle acquires a new "door handle" label. If he removes his hand too slowly from an object, another label saying "label" appears on top of the existing label.
ReplyDeleteKittypower - the ability to purr.
ReplyDeletedeaR - the ability to read a book backwards, from the last page to the first one.
Screamdream - the ability to scream from time to time, while sleeping
Hungerr - the ability to eat yourself if hungry
Applaushh -the ability to clap with no sound
Cigabed - the ability to smoke while sleeping
Without a doubt my favourite Superuseless Superpower idea (that I've had) has to be a total invulnerability to sunburn.
ReplyDeleteFailing that, Jubilee from the X-Men.
Here's one- Transform anything into it's worth in trouble. Or in other words if a car had been in an accident and injured somebody and this power was used what would occur is a troublesome thing such as a hurricane.
ReplyDeleteI remember a great useless power from an old What The?! comic book. It was the ability to control up to, but no more than, six houseflies at a time.
ReplyDeleteTelekettlesis - the ability to switch on any electric kettle within a 5m radius.
ReplyDeleteMy friends and I used to have discussions about useless superpowers. A few come to mind:
ReplyDelete*Eagle Eye: The ability to see through eagles. Not the ability to see through the eyes of an eagle (a la Beastmaster), but the ability to see the tree or sky behind them.
*Hover Bored (sic): The ability to fly one inch above the ground.
My friend came up with this in a topic related conversation years ago, and to this day, I have yet to think of something more uselessly random (though this site has provided some contenders)
ReplyDeleteThe ability to sink 5 inches in any substance. Be it concrete, dirt, sand, or a hardwood floor, this power allows you to phase vertically downward through any solid surface, just enough for it to reach your ankles. This does not, however, include the ability to ascend from this solid surface afterward, and any attempt to do so must be done the old fashioned way, presumably by digging.