Quantum Toot

SUPERUSELESS SUPERPOWER: Quantum Toot
For most folks, being gassy has its consequences. Like smelling up your cubicle and then blaming it on the mailroom guy who just walked by. But when you have the power of Quantum Toot, a rogue fart could actually get you run over by a hover car. You see, this crude power allows you to travel through time every time you toot. At least you don't have to deal with the awkward aftermath of letting one rip in a crowded elevator.

Superuseless...The Book

SUPERUSELESS SUPERPOWER: Ability to turn blog idea into book

It’s true. We got a book deal. More details to come. In the meantime we are designing a set of spherical bookends.

DANZAVERSARY

SUPERUSELESS SUPERPOWER: Tony Danzaversary
Once every year, you turn into Tony Danza for an entire day. Don’t worry though, the changes are only cosmetic. So, uh…you’re still the boss.

HAPPY ANNIVERSARY TO US. MANY THANKS TO YOU.

Once upon a drunken evening, four friends came up with an amazingly stupid idea. You’re looking at it right now. Superuseless Superpowers went live almost exactly a year ago. We weren’t sure our close friends would think this stuff was funny, much less total strangers. So thank you, thank you, thank you for all the visits and feedback.

If we were Oprah, we’d give you each a car. And if we were Gary Busey, we’d give you herpes. But we’re us. Meaning the best we can do is give you one of the stupidest powers ever (with an anniversary theme, to boot!). Stay tuned…

Stair Master

SUPERUSELESS SUPERPOWER: Stair Master.

Who doesn't enjoy gliding effortlessly from floor to floor at the local shopping mall? The Stair Master, that's who. Able to transform any escalator into stairs, the Stair Master will force you to burn 7 calories on your way up to men's activewear. Evil? Not quite. Less convenient? Slightly.

Polarrhoids

SUPERUSELESS SUPERPOWER: Polarrhoids.

When it comes to superheroes, a lot can happen in the blink of an eye. Like saving distressed damsels along train tracks, scooping up fallen tweens before they plunge into Niagara Falls, or lunch-time quickies in the Hall of Justice bathroom.

For this superhero, the blink of an eye means something quite different. That's because every time he blinks, he produces a Polaroid of whatever he was looking at. We're not completely sure where the photos come out. But we have an idea.

13th Bullet Bulletproof

SUPERUSELESS SUPERPOWER: Eventual Kevlar Skin.

Bang. Bang. Bang. Bang. Bang. Bang. Bang. Bang. Bang. Bang. Bang. Bang. Boink.

In-flight flight

SUPERUSELESS SUPERPOWER: In-flight flight.

Being able to soar through the air still won't save you from recycled oxygen and endless stories from complete strangers. Known as the "Cabin Sparrow," this so-called power lets you fly, but only within the confines of an airplane. At least you can leapfrog the beverage cart when explosive diarrhea strikes at 30,000 feet.

Laser Pointer Vision*

SUPERUSELESS SUPERPOWER: Laser Pointer Vision*
Your gaze isn't strong enough to burn through anything, just strong enough to point things out. Makes prolonged eye contact particularly awkward and painful during romantic dinners and job interviews.

*This superuseless power comes to us from none other than Christian Lander, author of the blog and now book, Stuff White People Like. SWPL is one of our favs, so if you haven?t checked it out, do so right this minute...

Mamavision, a.k.a. PreMOMnition

SUPERUSELESS SUPERPOWER: PreMOMnition
The power to see what your mother is doing at all times. PreMOMnition cannot be turned off and operates similar to picture-in-picture technology, so your mom is ALWAYS in your field of vision. Oh, and good luck trying to get laid. Even viagra can’t combat real-time images of your mom waxing your father’s back.

[Congratulations Antelieris! It was tough, but yours was the superest-uselessest. Check out a couple "honorable mentions" after the jump!]

ShadowFlex

SUPERUSELESS SUPERPOWER: ShadowFlex
Bunny rabbits and birds. These are the normal human limits of shadow puppeteering. That is, unless you have ShadowFlex—the power to cast the shadow of a Bowflex home gym. Hairless, well-oiled pectorals not included.

No-Go-liath

SUPERUSELESS SUPERPOWER: NO-GOliath
Superhuman size. Totally human feet. Upon engaging the No-Go-liath power, the upper 95% of our superhero swells to impressive size. Shortly thereafter, he topples like Nick Nolte at an open-bar charity ball. Does anyone have a XXXXXL Hoveround?

Healing Punch

SUPERUSELESS SUPERPOWER: Healing Punch
Float like a butterfly and sting like the bedside manner of Mother Teresa. As a superhero, sometimes you have to resort to violence. Too bad your ferocious fists instantly heal the damage you inflict. Whereas most punches would deliver a crushing Ivan Drago-like knockout. Yours leave your opponent feeling amazingly refreshed and rejuvenated. At least until he counters with an uppercut to your esophagus.

Walk through walls-ish

SUPERUSELESS SUPERPOWER: Walk Through Walls-ish, aka The Studfinder
There are all kinds of walls. Brick ones. Stone ones. Berlin ones. This power vibrates your molecules allowing you to walk through walls, but only halfway. You never actually make it through the opposite side of the wall you entered.

Trapped in a madman’s labyrinth?
See what brand of sheetrock he used.

Wake up hungover on Amontillado wine and enclosed in an Italian catacomb?
Admire the masonry work as you slowly suffocate.

1987 Man

SUPERUSELESS SUPERPOWER: 1987 Man
With just a touch, 1987 Man turns any pair of jeans to acid wash. The 90’s were especially rough on our hero, forcing him to quit his job 

at the Gap. He now runs a Glamour Shots franchise along with fellow superheroes The Perminator and Shoulder Pad Girl.

Supervideo!

[thanks to Ronin, A.Landry for Animation]