SUPERUSELESS SUPERPOWER: Quaker Oates
John Oates (of Hall & Oates fame) was blessed with a thick, black moustache and fingers that can tickle a soul guitar into making heavenly sounds. His cousin, Quaker Oates, was not-so-blessed with a direct connection from his stomach to East Coast fault lines. In other words, when Quaker’s tum-tum goes grrrrrrr….Delaware could fall into the Atlantic Ocean. Okay, so that doesn’t sound too bad, but you get the idea. As a result, Quaker has become morbidly obese to keep the tummy tremors at bay. Rumor has it that Tuesday’s quake was a result of his waking up hungry after falling asleep during a daytime “Touched By An Angel” marathon.