SUPERUSELESS SUPEROWER: TeleKinnearsis Pretty much everyone wishes they could move objects with their mind. Pretty much no one wishes that the only object they could move is actor Greg Kinnear.
DUST MAGNET. The modern office is full of dust. Paper, lint, microscopic flecks of human armpit flesh, these are the bane of the tidy. Call upon this heroic consultant. With a moment of focus, all dust everywhere in a 100m radius converges on him, adhering to him. Not crumbs, not insect parts, not carelessly strewn staples, but dust. Only dust. In a farewell gesture he bowls himself out the door and into a convenient body of water to relieve yet another office of its contaminants, while being in full skin contact with the naughty bits of every employee. Even the grumpy manager with the moobs on the 13th floor.
SLOTH SUMMONING. On command, the user can bring forth an army of sloth the likes of which no foe has ever seen... usually because the foes get bored and go do laundry or eat iron rations while waiting for the army of sloths to converge and render assistance to the summoner.
FOMENT UNDRESSED. Naked people don't like surprises. What if you could gather naked people from all over the city... in the shower, sunbathing on a deck, in the midst of some carnal pleasures, and pile them into an enclosed space like a phone booth or bagel shop and let things take their course? Buckets of awesome.
All Kinnear based actors should be included. So everytime you move Greg Kinnear, you are unfortunately moving the corpse of British actor Roy Kinnear (Veruca Salt's father in Willy Wonka...)
superuseless sugestion: Dermal teleportation: the user of this superpower can teleport! well...sort of. at their best they can teleport their skin anywhere in the universe, leaving the rest of their body behind to suffer.
Unless you are Greg Kinnear.
ReplyDeleteThis is very funny. I just found your blog today!
ReplyDeleteI imagine there are plenty of Newcastle United fans who would like to be able to move their manager, Joe Kinnear, with their minds.
ReplyDeleteWhat if he's in your seat? Then it would be very useful.
ReplyDeleteWhat a random power. i LOVE it! Thanx 4 the smile superuseless!
ReplyDeleteBut if I was Greg Kinnear and had this power, does that mean I can fly?
ReplyDeleteSUPERUSELESS SUPERPOWER submissions:
ReplyDeleteDUST MAGNET. The modern office is full of dust. Paper, lint, microscopic flecks of human armpit flesh, these are the bane of the tidy. Call upon this heroic consultant. With a moment of focus, all dust everywhere in a 100m radius converges on him, adhering to him. Not crumbs, not insect parts, not carelessly strewn staples, but dust. Only dust. In a farewell gesture he bowls himself out the door and into a convenient body of water to relieve yet another office of its contaminants, while being in full skin contact with the naughty bits of every employee. Even the grumpy manager with the moobs on the 13th floor.
SLOTH SUMMONING. On command, the user can bring forth an army of sloth the likes of which no foe has ever seen... usually because the foes get bored and go do laundry or eat iron rations while waiting for the army of sloths to converge and render assistance to the summoner.
FOMENT UNDRESSED. Naked people don't like surprises. What if you could gather naked people from all over the city... in the shower, sunbathing on a deck, in the midst of some carnal pleasures, and pile them into an enclosed space like a phone booth or bagel shop and let things take their course? Buckets of awesome.
Sigh. Failblog.
ReplyDelete^^^ YUOR FAIL IS WORSE THAN MINEZ.
ReplyDeleteWow, sprinkles on the top of this cake of random. Kudos 2 Darth Continent for Sloth Summoning...
ReplyDeleteAll Kinnear based actors should be included. So everytime you move Greg Kinnear, you are unfortunately moving the corpse of British actor Roy Kinnear (Veruca Salt's father in Willy Wonka...)
ReplyDeleteSuggestion for new superpowers:
ReplyDeleteSuper human reaction time: You have the ability to instantly move into the path of a bullet.
This one was pretty dumb.
ReplyDeleteDumb = awesome
ReplyDeletesuperuseless sugestion:
ReplyDeleteDermal teleportation:
the user of this superpower can teleport! well...sort of. at their best they can teleport their skin anywhere in the universe, leaving the rest of their body behind to suffer.