Quaker Oates

SUPERUSELESS SUPERPOWER: Quaker Oates
John Oates (of Hall & Oates fame) was blessed with a thick, black moustache and fingers that can tickle a soul guitar into making heavenly sounds. His cousin, Quaker Oates, was not-so-blessed with a direct connection from his stomach to East Coast fault lines. In other words, when Quaker’s tum-tum goes grrrrrrr….Delaware could fall into the Atlantic Ocean. Okay, so that doesn’t sound too bad, but you get the idea. As a result, Quaker has become morbidly obese to keep the tummy tremors at bay. Rumor has it that Tuesday’s quake was a result of his waking up hungry after falling asleep during a daytime “Touched By An Angel” marathon.

Special Thanks to Aussie graffiti artist YOK for the artwork! Check out his work at theyok.com

Out of Shape Shifter

SUPERUSELESS SUPERPOWER: Out of Shape Shifter

This cautionary tale is one well-known throughout the Superuseless universe. Which is to say, you’ve definitely never heard of it. So here goes…

Shape Shifter was once a rather useful superhero. He could transform into anything from a Flow-bee to a George Foreman Grill—and transform into anyone from the Captain to Tennille. Yet he enjoyed his superhero form most of all, a well-muscled and carefully man-scaped body that seemed to be Adonis reincarnated.

As Shape Shifter fell more in love with his own reflection, he spent less time fighting crime. Violence ran amok, evildoers went unpunished, and Shape Shifter just didn’t give two deuces. But karma is a real bitch—the superpower gods do not take kindly to squandering their gifts. And so on one fateful morning, the Shape Shifter awoke and stretched in front of the mirror. This time, what he saw in the mirror was not a pretty sight. The once all-powerful Shape Shifter could only transform into an out of shape version of his normal self. Oh the humanity. [A single tear slowly rolls down narrator’s cheek. Fade to black.]

Slow-Woe

SUPERUSELESS SUPERPOWER: Slow-Woe
As famed golfer Arnold Palmer once said, “When life gives you lemons, make lemonade, then add equal parts iced tea…it’s off the f-ing chain.” Sage advice, indeed, unless you wield this unfortunate power. Whenever something bad happens to Slow-Woe, he’s forced to live through his folly in super slow motion. Now that’s life giving you a sack of lemons, cutting off your eyelids and squeezing the lemons all over your face.

Tie-Bo

SUPERUSELESS SUPERPOWER: Tie-Bo

Only one kind of tie says “I’m loosely abiding by the dress code, but I’m totally here to party.” That’s right, a bolo tie. And this hero automatically turns any normal tie into a bolo tie with just a touch. Black tie optional? More like turquoise bejeweled bolo tie mandatory!

The Sheening

SUPERUSELESS CELEBRITY SUPERPOWER: The Sheening

Quick, would you rather get stuck in an overturned port-o-potty for a week or get stuck in Charlie Sheen's head for 5 minutes? It's actually a trick question because most humans couldn't survive more than 9 seconds inside the Warlock's brain. Yet that's what this Superuseless Celebrity Power entails--the ability to channel Charlie Sheen's every thought. Can you say "bi-losing"?

Snowfake

SUPERUSELESS SUPERPOWER: Snowfake

From a tender young age, Gerald always knew he was special. And not just because he loved figure skating more than life itself. You see, Gerald (aka, Snowfake) can produce exact replicas of any snowflake he touches. Of course, we all know that no two snowflakes are exactly alike in nature. And despite such power at his disposal, he still gets beat up by his town's high school hockey team.

SNIDEKICK

SUPERUSELESS SUPERPOWER: Snidekick
Your right-hand man. Your brother-in-arms. Your sarcastic-prick-partner-in-a-mask? He’s the Snidekick. Unlike Robin or Tonto, this fucking guy always has some snarky remark. His cynical Generation Xisms can really stick in your craw. No one likes to be mocked when they’re out saving the world. Dude doesn’t even help out in a fight. He just comments from the sidelines like he’s a character on Mystery Science 3000. Truly superuseless.

Post-It Nope

SUPERUSELESS SUPERPOWER: Post-It Nope

Take out the trash, pay the credit card bill, dry-clean the erotic Japanese body pillow. Yep, sticky notes are great for all kinds of reminders. Unless you have this power, which removes all the stickiness with just a touch. Now that once useful pad is a slightly less useful stack of paper.

Unicorn Whisperer

SUPERUSELESS SUPERPOWER: Fantasy Fail

Without unicorns, the entire airbrush industry would collapse. But ridding the world of unicorns is exactly what this power entails. With just a whisper into the ear of said mythical beast, the unicorn’s horn disappears. And as we all know, a unicorn with no horn is a just a gay horse. Add the fact that unicorns don’t actually exist (sorry, Reldwyn of the woodland realm) and you’ve got double the useless.

13th Bullet Bulletproof

SUPERUSELESS SUPERPOWER: Eventual Kevlar Skin.

Bang. Bang. Bang. Bang. Bang. Bang. Bang. Bang. Bang. Bang. Bang. Bang. Boink.

Healing Punch

SUPERUSELESS SUPERPOWER: Healing Punch
Float like a butterfly and sting like the bedside manner of Mother Teresa. As a superhero, sometimes you have to resort to violence. Too bad your ferocious fists instantly heal the damage you inflict. Whereas most punches would deliver a crushing Ivan Drago-like knockout. Yours leave your opponent feeling amazingly refreshed and rejuvenated. At least until he counters with an uppercut to your esophagus.

Superuseless...The Book

SUPERUSELESS SUPERPOWER: Ability to turn blog idea into book
It’s true. We got a book deal. More details to come. In the meantime we are designing a set of spherical bookends.

DANZAVERSARY

SUPERUSELESS SUPERPOWER:
Tony Danzaversary
Once every year, you turn into Tony Danza for an entire day. Don’t worry though, the changes are only cosmetic. So, uh…you’re still the boss.

Stair Master

SUPERUSELESS SUPERPOWER: Stair Master.

Who doesn't enjoy gliding effortlessly from floor to floor at the local shopping mall? The Stair Master, that's who. Able to transform any escalator into stairs, the Stair Master will force you to burn 7 calories on your way up to men's activewear. Evil? Not quite. Less convenient? Slightly.

Polarrhoids

SUPERUSELESS SUPERPOWER: Polarrhoids.

When it comes to superheroes, a lot can happen in the blink of an eye. Like saving distressed damsels along train tracks, scooping up fallen tweens before they plunge into Niagara Falls, or lunch-time quickies in the Hall of Justice bathroom.

For this superhero, the blink of an eye means something quite different. That's because every time he blinks, he produces a Polaroid of whatever he was looking at. We're not completely sure where the photos come out. But we have an idea.

In-flight flight

SUPERUSELESS SUPERPOWER: In-flight flight.

Being able to soar through the air still won't save you from recycled oxygen and endless stories from complete strangers. Known as the "Cabin Sparrow," this so-called power lets you fly, but only within the confines of an airplane. At least you can leapfrog the beverage cart when explosive diarrhea strikes at 30,000 feet.

Laser Pointer Vision*

SUPERUSELESS SUPERPOWER: Laser Pointer Vision*
Your gaze isn't strong enough to burn through anything, just strong enough to point things out. Makes prolonged eye contact particularly awkward and painful during romantic dinners and job interviews.

*This superuseless power comes to us from none other than Christian Lander, author of the blog and now book, Stuff White People Like. SWPL is one of our favs, so if you haven't checked it out, do so right this minute...

Mamavision, a.k.a. PreMOMnition

SUPERUSELESS SUPERPOWER: PreMOMnition
The power to see what your mother is doing at all times. PreMOMnition cannot be turned off and operates similar to picture-in-picture technology, so your mom is ALWAYS in your field of vision. Oh, and good luck trying to get laid. Even viagra can’t combat real-time images of your mom waxing your father’s back.

[Congratulations Antelieris! It was tough, but yours was the superest-uselessest. Check out a couple "honorable mentions" after the jump!]

ShadowFlex

SUPERUSELESS SUPERPOWER: ShadowFlex
Bunny rabbits and birds. These are the normal human limits of shadow puppeteering. That is, unless you have ShadowFlex—the power to cast the shadow of a Bowflex home gym. Hairless, well-oiled pectorals not included.

No-Go-liath

SUPERUSELESS SUPERPOWER: NO-GOliath
Superhuman size. Totally human feet. Upon engaging the No-Go-liath power, the upper 95% of our superhero swells to impressive size. Shortly thereafter, he topples like Nick Nolte at an open-bar charity ball. Does anyone have a XXXXXL Hoveround?