Out of Shape Shifter

SUPERUSELESS SUPERPOWER: Out of Shape Shifter

This cautionary tale is one well-known throughout the Superuseless universe. Which is to say, you’ve definitely never heard of it. So here goes…

Shape Shifter was once a rather useful superhero. He could transform into anything from a Flow-bee to a George Foreman Grill—and transform into anyone from the Captain to Tennille. Yet he enjoyed his superhero form most of all, a well-muscled and carefully man-scaped body that seemed to be Adonis reincarnated.

As Shape Shifter fell more in love with his own reflection, he spent less time fighting crime. Violence ran amok, evildoers went unpunished, and Shape Shifter just didn’t give two deuces. But karma is a real bitch—the superpower gods do not take kindly to squandering their gifts. And so on one fateful morning, the Shape Shifter awoke and stretched in front of the mirror. This time, what he saw in the mirror was not a pretty sight. The once all-powerful Shape Shifter could only transform into an out of shape version of his normal self. Oh the humanity. [A single tear slowly rolls down narrator’s cheek. Fade to black.]

Slow-Woe

SUPERUSELESS SUPERPOWER: Slow-Woe
As famed golfer Arnold Palmer once said, “When life gives you lemons, make lemonade, then add equal parts iced tea…it’s off the f-ing chain.” Sage advice, indeed, unless you wield this unfortunate power. Whenever something bad happens to Slow-Woe, he’s forced to live through his folly in super slow motion. Now that’s life giving you a sack of lemons, cutting off your eyelids and squeezing the lemons all over your face.

Tie-Bo

SUPERUSELESS SUPERPOWER: Tie-Bo

Only one kind of tie says “I’m loosely abiding by the dress code, but I’m totally here to party.” That’s right, a bolo tie. And this hero automatically turns any normal tie into a bolo tie with just a touch. Black tie optional? More like turquoise bejeweled bolo tie mandatory!