Stair Master

SUPERUSELESS SUPERPOWER: Stair Master.

Who doesn't enjoy gliding effortlessly from floor to floor at the local shopping mall? The Stair Master, that's who. Able to transform any escalator into stairs, the Stair Master will force you to burn 7 calories on your way up to men's activewear. Evil? Not quite. Less convenient? Slightly.

Polarrhoids

SUPERUSELESS SUPERPOWER: Polarrhoids.

When it comes to superheroes, a lot can happen in the blink of an eye. Like saving distressed damsels along train tracks, scooping up fallen tweens before they plunge into Niagara Falls, or lunch-time quickies in the Hall of Justice bathroom.

For this superhero, the blink of an eye means something quite different. That's because every time he blinks, he produces a Polaroid of whatever he was looking at. We're not completely sure where the photos come out. But we have an idea.