Laser Pointer Vision*

SUPERUSELESS SUPERPOWER: Laser Pointer Vision*
Your gaze isn't strong enough to burn through anything, just strong enough to point things out. Makes prolonged eye contact particularly awkward and painful during romantic dinners and job interviews.

*This superuseless power comes to us from none other than Christian Lander, author of the blog and now book, Stuff White People Like. SWPL is one of our favs, so if you haven't checked it out, do so right this minute...

Mamavision, a.k.a. PreMOMnition

SUPERUSELESS SUPERPOWER: PreMOMnition
The power to see what your mother is doing at all times. PreMOMnition cannot be turned off and operates similar to picture-in-picture technology, so your mom is ALWAYS in your field of vision. Oh, and good luck trying to get laid. Even viagra can’t combat real-time images of your mom waxing your father’s back.

[Congratulations Antelieris! It was tough, but yours was the superest-uselessest. Check out a couple "honorable mentions" after the jump!]

ShadowFlex

SUPERUSELESS SUPERPOWER: ShadowFlex
Bunny rabbits and birds. These are the normal human limits of shadow puppeteering. That is, unless you have ShadowFlex—the power to cast the shadow of a Bowflex home gym. Hairless, well-oiled pectorals not included.

No-Go-liath

SUPERUSELESS SUPERPOWER: NO-GOliath
Superhuman size. Totally human feet. Upon engaging the No-Go-liath power, the upper 95% of our superhero swells to impressive size. Shortly thereafter, he topples like Nick Nolte at an open-bar charity ball. Does anyone have a XXXXXL Hoveround?

Quantum Toot

SUPERUSELESS SUPERPOWER: Quantum Toot
For most folks, being gassy has its consequences. Like smelling up your cubicle and then blaming it on the mailroom guy who just walked by. But when you have the power of Quantum Toot, a rogue fart could actually get you run over by a hover car. You see, this crude power allows you to travel through time every time you toot. At least you don't have to deal with the awkward aftermath of letting one rip in a crowded elevator.

Walk through walls-ish

SUPERUSELESS SUPERPOWER: Walk Through Walls-ish, aka The Studfinder
There are all kinds of walls. Brick ones. Stone ones. Berlin ones. This power vibrates your molecules allowing you to walk through walls, but only halfway. You never actually make it through the opposite side of the wall you entered.

Trapped in a madman’s labyrinth?
See what brand of sheetrock he used.

Wake up hungover on Amontillado wine and enclosed in an Italian catacomb?
Admire the masonry work as you slowly suffocate.

1987 Man

SUPERUSELESS SUPERPOWER: 1987 Man
With just a touch, 1987 Man turns any pair of jeans to acid wash. The 90’s were especially rough on our hero, forcing him to quit his job

at the Gap. He now runs a Glamour Shots franchise along with fellow superheroes The Perminator and Shoulder Pad Girl.

Supervideo!

[thanks to Ronin, A.Landry for Animation]

Destructo-Button

SUPERUSELESS SUPERPOWER: Destructo-Button
Any button you touch becomes a self-destruct button (that only destroys itself). We recommend stocking up on cell phones, TV remotes...oh, and The Clapper.

[Thanks Antelieris, AGAIN, for the assist!]

Omnipresent Disorientation

SUPERUSELESS SUPERPOWER: Be everywhere, but never know where you are.

Be thou herest, therest, and everywherest. Thine transcendental power approaches full-on divinity.

But wait. Where exactly are you? Is that a rice paddy in Miryang or are you front row and poncho-less at a Gallagher performance? Maybe you should sit down and get your bearings. But, uh-oh, is that a bidet or a whale's blowhole?

TeleKinnearsis

SUPERUSELESS SUPEROWER: TeleKinnearsis
Pretty much everyone wishes they could move objects with their mind. Pretty much no one wishes that the only object they could move is actor Greg Kinnear.

Brow-Wow

SUPERUSELESS SUPERPOWER: Brow-Wow
The power to grow one's uni-brow at twice the normal human speed. Whereas mere mortals have to groom their brow on a weekly basis, those with this uncanny ability have the pleasure of grooming, uh? twice a week?

Call for Superuseless Superpowers!

Dear superuseless fans: we’ve seen your brilliance. In the breakroom…in the bathroom…and yes, even the chat room. And now the time has come. We’re creating a monthly post that will feature the best fan-submitted superuseless superpower. What are you waiting for?! Engage your powers of creative cunning…and help us save the world from boredom!

Submit powers in the comments section,by email, or here, in the fan forum. Winners will have their submission illustrated by the superuseless team. 

There may be some overlap in power submissions. We will act on a first-come first-serve basis. We bear no responsibility for hurt feelings.

Lati-dude & Longi-dude

SUPERUSELESS SUPERPOWER: Lati-dude & Longi-dude.
Ever wish you could conjure up a duplicate of yourself? This power is exactly that. Only your doppeluseless appears at the opposite point of the earth. Bad if you need backup in a dark alley…great if you’re organizing the American comeback tour for “Men at Work.”

∞-Ray Vision

SUPERUSELESS SUPERPOWER: ∞-ray vision.
Go from 20/20 to 20/plenty with this seemingly amazing gift of sight. But here's the catch. Your see-throughiness is infinite and not at your discretion.

So, perhaps you are seeking out survivors in a collapsed mineshaft. Scanning through the wreckage with your ∞-ray eyes, you see through the rock pile. Then through the coal. The trapped miner's clothes. His skin. His capillaries. His kidney. His bones. Back through his skin. Dirt. The upper mantle. Magma. The lower mantle. The outer core. The inner core. Again the outer core. The lower and upper mantles. Fossilized raptor dung. More dirt. A rice paddy in Miryang. A cumulus cloud. The Ozone layer. The Stratosphere. The Exosphere. Outer Space. A meteorite. The Orion Nebula. The Twin Quasar. Et cetera.

In short, by seeing through everything you will essentially never see anything.

Slumberjack (a.k.a. Hercu-zzzzzz's)

SUPERUSELESS SUPERPOWER: Superhuman strength whilst sleeping. 

After awaking from an especially violent dream, the "Slumberjack" finds his bedroom, house and entire zipcode in utter shambles. At least it's a good excuse to forgo post-coital snuggling.