superuseless superpowers

Quaker Oates

2011-08-31T10:53:00.000-07:00

SUPERUSELESS SUPERPOWER: Quaker Oates
John Oates (of Hall & Oates fame) was blessed with a thick, black moustache and fingers that can tickle a soul guitar into making heavenly sounds. His cousin, Quaker Oates, was not-so-blessed with a direct connection from his stomach to East Coast fault lines. In other words, when Quaker’s tum-tum goes grrrrrrr….Delaware could fall into the Atlantic Ocean. Okay, so that doesn’t sound too bad, but you get the idea. As a result, Quaker has become morbidly obese to keep the tummy tremors at bay. Rumor has it that Tuesday’s quake was a result of his waking up hungry after falling asleep during a daytime “Touched By An Angel” marathon.

Special Thanks to Aussie graffiti artist YOK for the artwork! Check out his work at theyok.com

Out of Shape Shifter

2011-06-24T07:16:00.001-07:00

SUPERUSELESS SUPERPOWER: Out of Shape Shifter

This cautionary tale is one well-known throughout the Superuseless universe. Which is to say, you’ve definitely never heard of it. So here goes…

Shape Shifter was once a rather useful superhero. He could transform into anything from a Flow-bee to a George Foreman Grill—and transform into anyone from the Captain to Tennille. Yet he enjoyed his superhero form most of all, a well-muscled and carefully man-scaped body that seemed to be Adonis reincarnated.

As Shape Shifter fell more in love with his own reflection, he spent less time fighting crime. Violence ran amok, evildoers went unpunished, and Shape Shifter just didn’t give two deuces. But karma is a real bitch—the superpower gods do not take kindly to squandering their gifts. And so on one fateful morning, the Shape Shifter awoke and stretched in front of the mirror. This time, what he saw in the mirror was not a pretty sight. The once all-powerful Shape Shifter could only transform into an out of shape version of his normal self. Oh the humanity. [A single tear slowly rolls down narrator’s cheek. Fade to black.]

Slow-Woe

2011-06-20T10:57:00.001-07:00

SUPERUSELESS SUPERPOWER: Slow-Woe
As famed golfer Arnold Palmer once said, “When life gives you lemons, make lemonade, then add equal parts iced tea…it’s off the f-ing chain.” Sage advice, indeed, unless you wield this unfortunate power. Whenever something bad happens to Slow-Woe, he’s forced to live through his folly in super slow motion. Now that’s life giving you a sack of lemons, cutting off your eyelids and squeezing the lemons all over your face.

Tie-Bo

2011-06-13T06:15:00.000-07:00

SUPERUSELESS SUPERPOWER: Tie-Bo

Only one kind of tie says “I’m loosely abiding by the dress code, but I’m totally here to party.” That’s right, a bolo tie. And this hero automatically turns any normal tie into a bolo tie with just a touch. Black tie optional? More like turquoise bejeweled bolo tie mandatory!

The Sheening

2011-03-12T10:36:00.001-08:00

SUPERUSELESS CELEBRITY SUPERPOWER: The Sheening

Quick, would you rather get stuck in an overturned port-o-potty for a week or get stuck in Charlie Sheen's head for 5 minutes? It's actually a trick question because most humans couldn't survive more than 9 seconds inside the Warlock's brain. Yet that's what this Superuseless Celebrity Power entails--the ability to channel Charlie Sheen's every thought. Can you say "bi-losing"?

Snowfake

2011-03-01T07:28:00.001-08:00

SUPERUSELESS SUPERPOWER: Snowfake

From a tender young age, Gerald always knew he was special. And not just because he loved figure skating more than life itself. You see, Gerald (aka, Snowfake) can produce exact replicas of any snowflake he touches. Of course, we all know that no two snowflakes are exactly alike in nature. And despite such power at his disposal, he still gets beat up by his town's high school hockey team.

SNIDEKICK

2011-02-23T07:59:00.000-08:00

SUPERUSELESS SUPERPOWER: Snidekick
Your right-hand man. Your brother-in-arms. Your sarcastic-prick-partner-in-a-mask? He’s the Snidekick. Unlike Robin or Tonto, this fucking guy always has some snarky remark. His cynical Generation Xisms can really stick in your craw. No one likes to be mocked when they’re out saving the world. Dude doesn’t even help out in a fight. He just comments from the sidelines like he’s a character on Mystery Science 3000. Truly superuseless.

Post-It Nope

2011-02-18T09:27:00.001-08:00

SUPERUSELESS SUPERPOWER: Post-It Nope

Take out the trash, pay the credit card bill, dry-clean the erotic Japanese body pillow. Yep, sticky notes are great for all kinds of reminders. Unless you have this power, which removes all the stickiness with just a touch. Now that once useful pad is a slightly less useful stack of paper.

Unicorn Whisperer

2011-02-13T19:17:00.000-08:00

SUPERUSELESS SUPERPOWER: Fantasy Fail

Without unicorns, the entire airbrush industry would collapse. But ridding the world of unicorns is exactly what this power entails. With just a whisper into the ear of said mythical beast, the unicorn’s horn disappears. And as we all know, a unicorn with no horn is a just a gay horse. Add the fact that unicorns don’t actually exist (sorry, Reldwyn of the woodland realm) and you’ve got double the useless.

13th Bullet Bulletproof

2010-06-01T12:00:00.000-07:00

SUPERUSELESS SUPERPOWER: Eventual Kevlar Skin.

Bang. Bang. Bang. Bang. Bang. Bang. Bang. Bang. Bang. Bang. Bang. Bang. Boink.

Healing Punch

2010-04-04T07:34:00.000-07:00

SUPERUSELESS SUPERPOWER: Healing Punch
Float like a butterfly and sting like the bedside manner of Mother Teresa. As a superhero, sometimes you have to resort to violence. Too bad your ferocious fists instantly heal the damage you inflict. Whereas most punches would deliver a crushing Ivan Drago-like knockout. Yours leave your opponent feeling amazingly refreshed and rejuvenated. At least until he counters with an uppercut to your esophagus.

Superuseless...The Book

2010-02-10T09:58:00.001-08:00

SUPERUSELESS SUPERPOWER: Ability to turn blog idea into book
It’s true. We got a book deal. More details to come. In the meantime we are designing a set of spherical bookends.

DANZAVERSARY

2010-02-01T06:18:00.000-08:00

SUPERUSELESS SUPERPOWER:
Tony Danzaversary
Once every year, you turn into Tony Danza for an entire day. Don’t worry though, the changes are only cosmetic. So, uh…you’re still the boss.

Stair Master

2010-01-20T17:21:00.001-08:00

SUPERUSELESS SUPERPOWER: Stair Master.

Who doesn't enjoy gliding effortlessly from floor to floor at the local shopping mall? The Stair Master, that's who. Able to transform any escalator into stairs, the Stair Master will force you to burn 7 calories on your way up to men's activewear. Evil? Not quite. Less convenient? Slightly.

Polarrhoids

2010-01-11T18:17:00.001-08:00

SUPERUSELESS SUPERPOWER: Polarrhoids.

When it comes to superheroes, a lot can happen in the blink of an eye. Like saving distressed damsels along train tracks, scooping up fallen tweens before they plunge into Niagara Falls, or lunch-time quickies in the Hall of Justice bathroom.

For this superhero, the blink of an eye means something quite different. That's because every time he blinks, he produces a Polaroid of whatever he was looking at. We're not completely sure where the photos come out. But we have an idea.

In-flight flight

2009-06-01T04:00:00.000-07:00

SUPERUSELESS SUPERPOWER: In-flight flight.

Being able to soar through the air still won't save you from recycled oxygen and endless stories from complete strangers. Known as the "Cabin Sparrow," this so-called power lets you fly, but only within the confines of an airplane. At least you can leapfrog the beverage cart when explosive diarrhea strikes at 30,000 feet.

Laser Pointer Vision*

2009-06-01T03:00:00.000-07:00

SUPERUSELESS SUPERPOWER: Laser Pointer Vision*
Your gaze isn't strong enough to burn through anything, just strong enough to point things out. Makes prolonged eye contact particularly awkward and painful during romantic dinners and job interviews.

*This superuseless power comes to us from none other than Christian Lander, author of the blog and now book, Stuff White People Like. SWPL is one of our favs, so if you haven't checked it out, do so right this minute...

Mamavision, a.k.a. PreMOMnition

2009-06-01T02:00:00.000-07:00

SUPERUSELESS SUPERPOWER: PreMOMnition
The power to see what your mother is doing at all times. PreMOMnition cannot be turned off and operates similar to picture-in-picture technology, so your mom is ALWAYS in your field of vision. Oh, and good luck trying to get laid. Even viagra can’t combat real-time images of your mom waxing your father’s back.

[Congratulations Antelieris! It was tough, but yours was the superest-uselessest. Check out a couple "honorable mentions" after the jump!]

ShadowFlex

2009-05-29T13:13:00.000-07:00

SUPERUSELESS SUPERPOWER: ShadowFlex
Bunny rabbits and birds. These are the normal human limits of shadow puppeteering. That is, unless you have ShadowFlex—the power to cast the shadow of a Bowflex home gym. Hairless, well-oiled pectorals not included.

No-Go-liath

2009-04-05T10:51:00.000-07:00

SUPERUSELESS SUPERPOWER: NO-GOliath
Superhuman size. Totally human feet. Upon engaging the No-Go-liath power, the upper 95% of our superhero swells to impressive size. Shortly thereafter, he topples like Nick Nolte at an open-bar charity ball. Does anyone have a XXXXXL Hoveround?

Quantum Toot

2009-04-04T07:33:00.000-07:00

SUPERUSELESS SUPERPOWER: Quantum Toot
For most folks, being gassy has its consequences. Like smelling up your cubicle and then blaming it on the mailroom guy who just walked by. But when you have the power of Quantum Toot, a rogue fart could actually get you run over by a hover car. You see, this crude power allows you to travel through time every time you toot. At least you don't have to deal with the awkward aftermath of letting one rip in a crowded elevator.

Walk through walls-ish

2009-03-30T12:30:00.000-07:00

SUPERUSELESS SUPERPOWER: Walk Through Walls-ish, aka The Studfinder
There are all kinds of walls. Brick ones. Stone ones. Berlin ones. This power vibrates your molecules allowing you to walk through walls, but only halfway. You never actually make it through the opposite side of the wall you entered.

Trapped in a madman’s labyrinth?
See what brand of sheetrock he used.

Wake up hungover on Amontillado wine and enclosed in an Italian catacomb?
Admire the masonry work as you slowly suffocate.

1987 Man

2009-03-23T22:36:00.000-07:00

SUPERUSELESS SUPERPOWER: 1987 Man
With just a touch, 1987 Man turns any pair of jeans to acid wash. The 90’s were especially rough on our hero, forcing him to quit his job

at the Gap. He now runs a Glamour Shots franchise along with fellow superheroes The Perminator and Shoulder Pad Girl.

Supervideo!

2009-03-09T21:16:00.000-07:00

[thanks to Ronin, A.Landry for Animation]

Destructo-Button

2009-03-04T15:54:00.000-08:00

SUPERUSELESS SUPERPOWER: Destructo-Button
Any button you touch becomes a self-destruct button (that only destroys itself). We recommend stocking up on cell phones, TV remotes...oh, and The Clapper.

[Thanks Antelieris, AGAIN, for the assist!]

Omnipresent Disorientation

2009-03-03T13:26:00.000-08:00

SUPERUSELESS SUPERPOWER: Be everywhere, but never know where you are.

Be thou herest, therest, and everywherest. Thine transcendental power approaches full-on divinity.

But wait. Where exactly are you? Is that a rice paddy in Miryang or are you front row and poncho-less at a Gallagher performance? Maybe you should sit down and get your bearings. But, uh-oh, is that a bidet or a whale's blowhole?

TeleKinnearsis

2009-02-26T16:32:00.000-08:00

SUPERUSELESS SUPEROWER: TeleKinnearsis
Pretty much everyone wishes they could move objects with their mind. Pretty much no one wishes that the only object they could move is actor Greg Kinnear.

Brow-Wow

2009-02-12T15:39:00.000-08:00

SUPERUSELESS SUPERPOWER: Brow-Wow
The power to grow one's uni-brow at twice the normal human speed. Whereas mere mortals have to groom their brow on a weekly basis, those with this uncanny ability have the pleasure of grooming, uh? twice a week?

Call for Superuseless Superpowers!

2009-01-26T10:30:00.000-08:00

Dear superuseless fans: we’ve seen your brilliance. In the breakroom…in the bathroom…and yes, even the chat room. And now the time has come. We’re creating a monthly post that will feature the best fan-submitted superuseless superpower. What are you waiting for?! Engage your powers of creative cunning…and help us save the world from boredom!

Submit powers in the comments section,by email, or here, in the fan forum. Winners will have their submission illustrated by the superuseless team.

There may be some overlap in power submissions. We will act on a first-come first-serve basis. We bear no responsibility for hurt feelings.

Lati-dude & Longi-dude

2009-01-24T18:40:00.000-08:00

SUPERUSELESS SUPERPOWER: Lati-dude & Longi-dude.
Ever wish you could conjure up a duplicate of yourself? This power is exactly that. Only your doppeluseless appears at the opposite point of the earth. Bad if you need backup in a dark alley…great if you’re organizing the American comeback tour for “Men at Work.”

∞-Ray Vision

2009-01-22T16:31:00.000-08:00

SUPERUSELESS SUPERPOWER: ∞-ray vision.
Go from 20/20 to 20/plenty with this seemingly amazing gift of sight. But here's the catch. Your see-throughiness is infinite and not at your discretion.

So, perhaps you are seeking out survivors in a collapsed mineshaft. Scanning through the wreckage with your ∞-ray eyes, you see through the rock pile. Then through the coal. The trapped miner's clothes. His skin. His capillaries. His kidney. His bones. Back through his skin. Dirt. The upper mantle. Magma. The lower mantle. The outer core. The inner core. Again the outer core. The lower and upper mantles. Fossilized raptor dung. More dirt. A rice paddy in Miryang. A cumulus cloud. The Ozone layer. The Stratosphere. The Exosphere. Outer Space. A meteorite. The Orion Nebula. The Twin Quasar. Et cetera.

In short, by seeing through everything you will essentially never see anything.

Slumberjack (a.k.a. Hercu-zzzzzz's)

2009-01-16T15:40:00.000-08:00

SUPERUSELESS SUPERPOWER: Superhuman strength whilst sleeping.

After awaking from an especially violent dream, the "Slumberjack" finds his bedroom, house and entire zipcode in utter shambles. At least it's a good excuse to forgo post-coital snuggling.

Complementary Chameleon

2009-01-10T10:30:00.000-08:00

SUPERUSELESS SUPERPOWER: Complementary Chameleon
The superuseless chameleon assumes the complementary color of his surroundings, thereby rendering him highly un-hard to see. This superpower was inspiration for the failed children’s book franchise titled “There’s Waldo.”

Psychic Amnesia (Mementodamus)

2009-01-10T10:00:00.001-08:00

SUPERUSELESS SUPERPOWER: Psychic Amnesia (Mementodamus)

This superuseless superhero foresees the future while instantly forgetting anything he has just foreseen. Known in some circles as Untotal Recall.

Achieving 99% Opacity

2009-01-10T09:00:00.000-08:00

SUPERUSELESS SUPERPOWER: Achieving 99% opacity, a.k.a. The Slightly Invisible Man.
This throwaway power lets you vanish into thin air as long as that thin air is obscured by enough thick air to cover up the other 99% of your completely visible body. Sorry, no dice on landing that plum invisibility role in the sequel to Ghost Dad either.

Ultra Short-range Teleportation

2009-01-10T08:00:00.000-08:00

SUPERUSELESS SUPERPOWER: Ultra Short-Range Teleportation.
This unamazing power lets you teleport up to one inch away. When done in rapid succession, it gives that old-timey stop action feel. It can also really push your "popping & locking" routine to the next level.

Left-side Levitation

2009-01-10T07:00:00.000-08:00

SUPERUSELESS SUPERPOWER: Left-side levitation or "Left-itation".
With this amazingly useless power, only half of you can levitate. Which means the other half acts as an anchor. As an added un-bonus, cabs are constantly stopping for you whenever you engage your powers on the street. And as we all know, being yelled at by angry cabbies eventually leads to depression. And emo.

Turning into a brick wall. Forever.

2009-01-10T06:00:00.000-08:00

SUPERUSELESS SUPERPOWER: Turning into a brick wall. Forever
The power to transform into a brick wall is truly awesome. Except when you can only do it once and can’t ever change back. And while Larry’s powers did momentarily save his village from the barbarians...they came back later with a ladder.

Lukewarm Touch

2009-01-10T05:00:00.000-08:00

SUPERUSELESS SUPERPOWER: Lukewarm Touch.

An estranged 3rd cousin of the Midas Touch, the Lukewarm Touch allows its hero to touch any temperature liquid and turn it to room temperature. Perhaps somewhat useful if captured by cannabalistic pygmies.

Helium Resistance

2009-01-10T04:00:00.000-08:00

SUPERUSELESS SUPERPOWER: Resistance to helium.
Legend has it that there walks a man with uncanny abilities. After a tragic blimp accident, this man has developed an immunity to Helium. As this man courageously inhales Helium, there is no effect on the timbre of his voice.